No Farting Policy

Custom in infancy becomes nature in old age. HG Bohn

smokehood

Introduction
It is a primary goal of The Company to promote a safe and healthy atmosphere, in order to maximise profits, through reducing the health risks associated with farts. The intent of this policy is to protect the rights of nonfarting employees to breathe fart-free air. This policy bans farting in areas occupied by nonfarting employees and applies to all individuals in Company buildings and vehicles.

Definitions

Farting: the act of farting.
Prohibited Farting Area: an enclosed area where no farting takes place.

Health Issues

Occupational Safety and Health data on the health consequences of farting have conclusively established farting as the largest single preventable cause of premature death and disability in the South Pacific. In addition, recent evaluation of the data on low level exposure to environmental farts has led the Ministry of Health to conclude:
  • involuntary inhalation of farts by healthy nonfarters is a cause of disease, including lung cancer. Such exposure continues to cause needless discomfort, pain, suffering and death.
  • simple separation of farters and nonfarters within the same air space may reduce, but does not eliminate, exposure of nonfarters to environmental farts.
Farts are a complex mixture of over 1200 identified substances which affect indoor air quality. Among them are carbon monoxide, hydrogen sulphide, methane, hydrogen cyanide, metals, aldehydes, phenol, ammonia, sulphur dioxide and lead. Exposure to these and other potentially harmful substances through environmental farts in the workplace can be substantial both in duration and intensity. This is of particular concern for individuals exposed to industrial toxins whose effects may be intensified in farts.

Prohibited Farting Areas
  • all corridors, libraries, tearooms and common space of all Company buildings (no-farting signs will be posted on outside doors and entryways). For the purposes of farting, tents are considered to be a company building.
  • rooms with sensitive equipment, computer systems, or where microscopes, records and supplies would be exposed to hazard from farts.
  • areas where combustible fumes can collect such as in garages and storage areas.
  • all Company-owned vehicles.

Designated Farting Areas
  • employees may designate their fully enclosed private offices as farting or nonfarting areas. However, those in private work areas should honour the wishes of nonfarting visitors to that particular office.
  • when two or more employees are travelling together in a vehicle on Company business, farting will be permitted only when there is no objection from any of the occupants of the vehicle.
  • when two or more employees are conducting fieldwork, farting is only permitted downwind of other employees.
  • farting is permitted outside a Company building provided farts will not enter the building and it is not a thoroughfare for nonfarters.

Stop Farting Programmes
The Company supports and assists efforts to stop farting by providing literature, referrals to community cessation programmes, and by sponsoring periodic in-house farting-cessation programmes.